Give Support in Your Relationship ACHANCE

by Jonathon Nixon, LMFT

I thought I would write about this because I’ve been using it quite a bit with my couple’s clients which tells me it might be that time of season where couples need to diversify the way they support each other in order to get them through the rest of the year. 

This is a little model that I built myself to help couples think differently about support, and more importantly, to be a means to ask or request different means of support rather than the “default” one’s that tend to develop in your relationship over time. 

I made this after noticing a common dynamic happening in my couple’s sessions over time.  The dynamic went like this – one partner would be distressed and go to their partner and essentially ask, or expect, their other partner to help them with their distress (family problems, work issues, health issues, etc.) and predictably the other partner would immediately go into advice giving (“you should do this…”) which ultimately resulted in the original partner becoming more angry or hurt because that wasn’t the kind of support they were looking for. So, after so many times of observing that I created the acronym of give support “ACHANCE” to help couples get the support they need and overcome this common dynamic. 

Here are the seven different types of support you can ask, or request, from others.

A:  Advocacy

It is important to remember in a relationship that you are a system/ team and that there can be times where the other might help or leadership at times during specific situations. 

Asking the question: “In what way can I advocate for you in this type of situation?” can go a long way when it comes to keeping the bond of trust strong in your relationship. 

C: Curiosity

Have you ever just wanted to talk and rant at someone or something to get something off your chest?  It can feel good sometimes to have a sound board to talk at.  This can be powerful way to support someone by adopting a non-judgmental and neutral position around your partners concern and sticking to questions like:  “what, where, when and how…” can help facilitate the processing needed by your partner. 

*** Bonus tip:  I generally consider “why” questions to be a dirty word when it comes to supporting or resolving issues with your partner.  These kinds of questions are too rhetorical in nature which is not helpful for a distressed brain and can present the risk of imposing a psychological accusation “why did you…?” (aka talking down) to a person trying to express whatever experience there are going through.

H: Humility or Humor

All couples have inside jokes and the opportunity to express humility around things they simply don’t know.  Use it for your advantage when it comes to cooling the tension around a particular topic.  Be sure to ask permission first when using humor in order to avoid falling into the trap of sarcasm. 

A: Advice

Let’s face it, sometimes being on the outside of someone’s problems can make it really easy to see the obvious answer that would help that individual overcome whatever challenge they are facing.  However, subjectivity can be strong with people and often require guidance and care to get them to that resolution point. 

When it comes to advice, be sure to ask if your advice is welcomed and stick to small bits of advice rather than taking to the “bandstand” to lecture whatever knowledge you might have.

*** Bonus tip: When it comes to support sensitivities can be high so being mindful with our language is a must.  One way to help avoid any triggers of reactivity in your partner is to stick to this rule of using “I” statements before “you” statements, until you both agree on “we” statements.  This can help keep those pesky psychological accusations from hijacking the conversation.

Ex: “You should do this…” is better stated as:  As I hear you speaking, I’m having the thought that it might be helpful if you tried…?

N: Nurturing

Most people have heard about the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Chapman.  If you know what gets your partner to feel comforted and secure in your relationship use it during these prime moments of support.

C: Challenge

“Would you like for me to play devils advocate?”

Challenging can be a wonderful and often very fun way to work through whatever conflict that might be holding you or your partner back.  By asking permission to play devils advocate to the concern at hand allow yourself and your partner to role play whatever they are going through. Switch roles during the exercise and be sure to keep  it light to help your partner make better sense of the opportunity or resources that might be able to use to resolve their issue. 

E: Encouragement

“Hey! I’m proud of you for reading this blog post.  It tells me you are committed to the people who are important to you.  Good work!” 

Nothing beats some good ole fashion encouragement.  There is an inner child within us all and when it comes to being recognized or validated for even the littlest things we do about our life tends to comfort that “scared child” within us all. 

If you find yourself riding the wonderful rollercoaster of a romantic relationship then you know that support is a very vital component to your longevity and wellbeing. Use this model to help you to start thinking about the different means of support that you can ask for or give in those “wild loops” during your ride.