Merry Christmas, You B@stards!
By Jonathon Nixon, LMFT
“I’ve never really enjoyed the Christmas holidays.” The young boy said to the therapist’s surprise.
The therapist was quick to respond, “That’s pretty interesting. I would have guessed you were the type of kid who probably had their gifts strategically planned at least by the end of the summer break. What is it about Christmas that just doesn’t do it for you?”
The boy’s eyes started to swim around in his head, darting back and forth like he was looking for some justifiable answer that would sway the professional sitting patiently across from him.
There was a small groan that rattled from his throat before he spoke up, “I think it has to do with all the family stuff that goes on and that forced kind of happiness that everyone does during this time of year.”
“’Forced kind of happiness?’” The therapist echoed back in a curious tone.
“Yeah! The whole ‘merry Christmas’ to this, ‘merry Christmas’ to that. It’s super annoying.”
The way the boy was now hurrying his speech revealed to the therapist the working of his impulsive adolescent mind which prompted almost an immediate reaction that caused the therapist to remark, “If you had it your way, what would you rather have people to say to one another when it comes to acknowledging the spirit of the holiday?”
“I don’t know, anything but ‘merry Christmas.’”
“No, no. You know the rules, if you are going to advocate for social change you’ve got to see it through. So, take a few minutes and come up with your solution for changing the common greeting of ‘merry Christmas’ during the holiday season.” The therapist could tell the young boy didn’t like to be put on the spot like that by the way he started to squirm around in his indention within the couch which now had about 30 minute to settle in since the start of their session. The therapist slipped in one more quick comment as the boy continued to search for his answer. “Remember what we talked about, ‘I don’t know’ is code for ‘I need more time to think,’ so make use of it and give me your proposal for change.”
The fidgeting intensified followed by a series of, “I don’t knows,” that almost had an indecisive rhythm the more the boy tried to rationalize to himself.
The therapist continued, “Out of curiosity, does the same rule apply when it comes to some of the other holidays? Like, let’s say Halloween or even your birthday?”
The boy was more decisive in his answer, “No, Halloween is okay.”
“What makes it different?”
“Well, Halloween isn’t really about family, it’s more about getting dressed up an getting candy.”
“Is it?” The therapist amicably remarked.
“So, saying ‘happy Halloween’ is okay because it doesn’t imply family? Am I following you, correctly?”
The boy became more elusive with his body language, shifting his shoulders from side to side, and wiggling his legs like he was fighting off the urge to use the restroom. “No, that’s not what I meant. What I meant was that saying, ‘merry Christmas’ is just useless and doesn’t make sense to me.”
“Got it, but if I were to track the rationale behind your thoughts, it would seem as if there isn’t really a definable answer. More like your thoughts are supported by generalities, which tells me” The therapist raised his eyebrows and gave them an inquisitive bend, “that there must be something deeper. Maybe something more implicit to that justification?”
The boy looked confused, “What does that mean, ‘implicit?’”
“Think, more like an emotional memory, that your body remembers but maybe not your conscious mind.”
“Okay?” The boy suspiciously said.
The therapist returned with a playful look and kept talking, “Now, if that is the case, I’m curious of where that comes from? So let me ask, tell me the story about the worst gift you ever got from your parents.?”
“The worst?” The boy replied.
“Yes, ‘the worst.’ A gift that was so bad that even thinking about it today makes you sort of cringe just having to think about it?”
Again, the boy’s eyes went swimming. “I mean, there was a couple of years ago when I was really let down for Christmas by my parents.” There was an inviting tone now coming from the boy.
“What happened?” The weight of the question caused the therapist to naturally lean in.
“Well, it happened when we went to go visit my uncles house in Georgia. It was the first year I was able to visit him and my cousins for Christmas and I remember before going to their house for the holidays they would ask me what I really wanted for Christmas that year and I told them that I wanted was to get a hamster from my room.”
“The what happened?”
“I cant remember for sure but somehow I got the idea that my parents were going to buy me a hamster, I think my dad said he would, so I told my uncle to get me everything he could for the hamster and when Christmas morning came around I started to open all my gifts and my uncle really came through getting me everything you could think of for my new hamster; the wheel, the cage, the sawdust, that little water bottle thing, and a whole bunch of toys that the hamster could play with.”
“And then what happened?” The therapist said cautiously anticipating the answer the boy would eventually follow up with.
“There wasn’t any hamster. Parents never got one for me. They said it would be ‘too messy’ and that I was ‘too young to take care of it.’”
“Ouch! I bet that didn’t feel too good. What do you remember about that feeling once you discovered that your parents didn’t follow through?” The therapist voice became real tender.
“I was mad and sad.” The boy trailed off, “And I also felt stupid because I had all the stuff for the hamster and I told my uncle I was so certain that I would get one that I really didn’t know what to do in that situation.”
“Sounds to me that there might have been a huge chunk of embarrassment going on in that painful moment?”
The boy ‘s response was cold, “Yeah, maybe.”
“Did you ever forgive your parents for that or did you stuff it down and end up resenting them for it?” The therapist started to lead the conversation.
“I never said anything. I kept it to myself and since then I don’t really get my hopes up for gifts anymore.”
“Mm-hmm,” The therapist agreeably moaned.
The room went silent just like a movie theater turning down its lights before revealing the opening credits to the feature presentation. The boy looked away, distracting himself from the moment by gazing out the small crack between the blinds and window that hung behind the chair of therapist.
“What about the other gift?” The therapist intervened after the few slow minutes that lingered about the room.
“What other gift?” The boy said annoyed.
“The gift of forgiveness. Did you ever open that up for your parents?” The therapist was now talking in tongues.
“What?” The boy snapped.
“You know a lot of times when it comes to failed expectations there are a few different paths that you can take that can sometimes make a bad situation into something good, if you know how to look for it when it happens?”
The boy softened the rigidity left over on his face. “What do you mean?”
“Well from what I am hearing you say is because of that negative encounter it sounds like you learned not to place your hopes in others or maybe even developed a mental injunctive of ‘don’t trust’ which is common when it comes to some of the miscommunications that naturally happen between kids and their parents. However, because we are constantly making decisions from things that happen to us from our past it can be helpful to really challenge where those decisions come from in a way that might reveal a different decision to, like I said earlier, ‘turn a bad thing into a good thing.’” The therapist interrupted his speech with a large gaping smile, “so I’m curious, in that opportunity, although very painful, I’m wondering what do you think would be different if you were to ‘open up’,” the therapist made two quotation marks with his fingers in the air, “that incidental gift of forgiveness that has yet to be open from this specific situation?”
The boy looked confused, but was engaged in the thought. “I don’t know, I probably still wouldn’t care as much as I do now.”
“Yes! But would you still be annoyed with how others express themselves around the holiday or maybe would you be more indifferent to what were doing around the holidays?”
“Probably the second one,” the boy remarked.
“Now were talking,” the therapist cheerfully said, “that’s progress! Did you see what you just did there?”
Another look of confusion swept over the boy. “No, what?”
“You neutralized a negative schema, or in other words a negative belief. That’s a pretty powerful skill.”
“I did?” The boy’s voice was saturated in more uncertainty.
“Sure did. Sometimes people forget that in between negativity and positivity is indifference, or being ‘so-so’ about something and people can have a hard time when it comes to challenging negative beliefs because their expectation is to immediately jump to a positive belief. Our brains don’t necessarily work like that all the time and often times it can be more effective just to be indifferent about something rather than have a negative belief that can manifest in wanting to change the world as you see fit. And I’m going to point out, because we’ve already talked about what the phrase ‘I don’t know’ really means, it sounds like maybe you need a little more time in making a decision about what you really think about the holidays and maybe some of the other ‘sticky’ family stuff going on in your life? Does that make sense?”
The boy was left speechless and could only reply with a short, “Yeah, I guess so.”
“It makes me curious to what other areas in your life or what other negative beliefs could benefit from being indifferent towards while you make look for other decisions around those thoughts or experiences?” The therapist concluded by raising his arms and pointing to the clock on the wall behind the boy. “But that will be something you will have to chew on until next time we meet.”
*** Disclaimer *** The clinical scenario depicted in this copy is fictional and all similarities to any current clinical cases is purely coincidental. As always if you are someone you know is experiencing any sort of mental health related crisis of emergency dial the mental health national hotline ‘988’ or visit 988lifeline.org