Today Was a Bad Day!

By Jonathon Nixon. LMFT

For those of you that may have already had the chance to work with me, you’ll know that I tend to be an open book when it comes to sharing my experiences about life.  As a therapist, I think it is important that the person on the other side of the couch knows me, not only as the professional, but also as a human trying to survive in this crazy world. 

It’s happened a time or two before where I’ve been confronted with the question, “what about you—have you experienced anxiety, depression or trauma?”  And quite honestly the answer to the question is yes – to all three, but I have a deeper relationship with one of those conditions that continues to yield a type of pain and bittersweet curiosity that forces me to constantly reflect about life.  That condition being depression. 

If you continue to follow this blog, you’ll learn more and more about how I grew up with depression and the challenges and victories that have helped me managed and cope with the natural sorrows that come from those inhibited states. I can’t tell you how many times, or how often it still happens, where I find myself staring out the window in my living room while looking over the busy sidewalk of pedestrian foot traffic that passes adjacently from my home thinking to myself how empty the world can feel at times.

For those of you who can relate—the pain of depression is something that is not unbearable, but rather it is a pain that you really don’t feel (like a physical or an attachment-based wound) due to the emptiness that comes from the lack of motivation and purpose in life. 

For some, this type of meaningless void can ultimately consume one’s will to live and introduce the decision to no longer survive resulting in the loss from suicide or self-harm.

For others, like myself, depression can develop into a seasonal cycle that forces the mind into an intense preoccupation with your own self-worth that can saturate one’s thoughts with nothing but the mistakes or longings that ultimately consume what little time we have on this world to pursue one’ wildest dreams. 

At times I have tried to convince myself that depression can be a hidden blessing because of how intense one observes their narrative around meaning.  I’ve event tried to convince myself to how poetic and beautiful depression can be because of the raw emotion that tends to saturate every melancholy word that either lingers in the mind or wonders freely in the empty rooms one talks to themselves in.

But then, there are days like today, where that existential funk doesn’t go away.  The type of mood that makes your eyelids heavy and causes your shoulders to slouch over your desk while burying your face into your hands trying to block out all the noise from an over pretension world.

What makes today so difficult is that all the problems that I have managed to collect in my life seem to be ganging up on me in such a way that has left me feeling defeated and exhausted.  To add salt to this kind of wound, and as many who suffer from depression already know, that the expectations from others never stop – the job, the family, the bills, one’s maintenance of health, etc., which doesn’t give you a lot of time to make sense of all the deep sensations that get stirred up within this low state of just wanting to just give up or seeking refuge within the dark corners of the mind. 

I often think to myself what can I do to make this go away and cope with these weighted feelings of unfulfillment? But, no matter how many breathing strategies or plans that I make to change my life around, there is always the wall of reluctance that stands before me and a new pursuit of happiness. 

It is times like these where I am most vulnerable to the environments that surround.  A creaky door, a pile of dirty laundry, a dead television remote, all the way down to the clumps of toothpaste that collect at the bottom of my bathroom sink all become reminders of the colossal sorrows that wait for me in life. 

The mind begins to rationalize its own need for survival and the thought of is this even worth it? begins to conflict with the feeling in your heart that continues to fight for you to keep pushing. 

It’s time like these I wish I had all the answers to living a happy life, but sometimes the cold reality is that I don’t.  I have to remind myself that everything will be okay and that the emotional weather that can come from my sudden mood swings is part of the season that comes with my existence and just like the bear who has plucked the last berry from a falling forest, I too must learn how to rest and seek refuge from the storms that come with my own emotional winter. Perhaps tomorrow will be better? Perhaps this depression might show me mercy and spare me these feelings for just one day? 

 ——————-

Disclaimer: The following copy is a personal account and is designed to serve as a personal reflection about my own experiences in life.  The following copy is intended to be an informational piece of work designed to connect and bring awareness to others who might be experiencing similar mental health conditions or concerns.  It is encouraged that you should reach out for professional help if you are experiencing any intense or ongoing forms of depression. If you are experiencing any sudden crisis  or contemplating suicide related to your mental health please reach out and dial ‘988’ in your phone to get connected to professional resources and care.